The first part of the session was streamed live from Chicago and focussed mainly on the panel member’s experiences with online journalism and icky reactings from people when writing on ’sensitive’ topics. A good recap of that you can find at the Being Amber Rhea blog.

Second Life session: no voice

Things really started to get interesting for us Second Life Residents with the in-world panel moderated by Meghan Laslocky (avatar Miranda Tibbett), with Lilly Yifu from the Second Sex blog and Regina Lynn (avatar name: Aph Lightworker) who writes articles on tech/sex for Wired. The in-world panel on Privacy, Exposure, Risk was hold in main chat, as Miss Yifu wishes to keep her anonymity and is thus weary of using voice. Strangely enough covering the whole ‘voice in Second Life vs. staying anonymous vs. gender issues’ was not covered in this session. :(

The discussion on Relationships, Privacy, Exposure and Risk

I gave my chatlogs to Lilly Yifu who has posted them on Second Sex, but I do want to highlight some parts:

Exporting relationships

Three rules on internet relationships according to Lilly:

1. Don’t be in a hurry.
2. The person you need to meet first, is yourself.
3. Trust in the community of people.

Queen Tureaud: So are we stupid if we meet someone in RL?
Miranda Tibbett: I don’t think so, no.
Queen Tureaud: putting ourselves in danger?
Miranda Tibbett: But I think, back to Lillie’s point, you need to give it time.
Queen Tureaud: trust them
Miranda Tibbett: Time will show if they’re trustworthy or not.
Queen Tureaud: or being baited
Miranda Tibbett: I think you have to go with your gut. And, yes, the community can help.

[For those curious, yes, two bf’s from Vint’s RL bf history I first met on the internet. Number one on IRC, because of a mutual friend. I got a nice amount of The Cure mp3’s from him. That I got to see him IRL was utter coincidence (yet later we found out planned by the friends). The second one, I fought heavily on the forums, disagreeing with him on about everything imaginable, we met IRL at a party and started to talk for hours. I did not know he was ‘that’ guy. I only learned later - he assumed I knew - but by then it was to late as I was in love head over heals.]

Using pseudonyms

And about using pseudonyms on the internet. I think it’ s far more accepted in SL that you use a pseudonym to write under or to engage in relationships (be it business or personal relations):

Aph Lightworker: Good luck keeping it separate. I tried for a while to separate my “day job” self, to protect those clients from knowing that gasp - I write about sex.
Vint Falken: I think the difference is, in SL , pseudonyms are accepted as real names. Even if you write for one of it biggest newspapers. ;)
Miranda Tibbett: But Lillie, let’s hear from you more about this.
Aph Lightworker: Good point re: names. I think the Reuters bylines hould have full journalist names, not just First Reuters.
Aph Lightworker: if using online community for personal, relationship, entertainment, that’s one thing. but journalism - needs to be up front.

Cybersex: cheating and infectionous?

And then the - by now classic question - ‘is cybersex cheating?‘ And my added one ‘are people that ‘cheat’ online more likely to cheat IRL?‘

Aph Lightworker: Infidelity - I get that question a lot. “Is cybersex or SL sex cheating”
Vint Falken: aph, and what’s your idea about that?
Aph Lightworker: Vint … people who are drawn to online sex desperately hope it’s not cheating … people who aren’t, and who worry about their partners, desperately hope it is cheating … ultimately, it’s something each person and each relationship has to determine
Aph Lightworker: but i will say this: the door is open and isn’t going to be closed again. so i think we have to be open to thinking about ow we figure out relationships and fidelity and play going forward
Phoenixxa Homewood: i agree Aph - it’s to do with intent and understanding between partners & there’s no one answer for everyone
Aph Lightworker: Is’ relationships - doesn’t fit nicely in a little box
Vint Falken: they say using soft drugs gets you closer to hard drugs. is it the same way with cybersex/cybercheating (let’s call it that way): does ‘cheating’ on the internet would make the step IRL more easy?
Miranda Tibbett: Interesting question.
Aph Lightworker: Vint, i’m sure it does, because the emotional connection gets strong, and you stay up all night, and you get tired …
Miranda Tibbett: Is there some sort of “gateway” progression to cyber sex?
Aph Lightworker: … and meeting in person starts to be more real, less fantasy
Lillie Yifu: Many of us aren’t paid, or aren’t paid much, to be in sl. For us, the risks of online hararssment aren’t balanced by the rewards of selling more books. Quite the reverse. When you go online here, it is very wise not to reveal too much about your personal life, without thinking about it. There is no check on the front door to sl, anyone can enter, and anyone can be read your profile. A good rule is don’t say anything in public about yourself, that you would not want printed on the front page of a major newspaper.
Aph Lightworker: and one has to do some hard work and step back and ask: what am i doing. is something missing in my relationship offline that this online person fills.
Aph Lightworker: Lillie - YES!
Aph Lightworker: so true

So… did we say totally wrong stuff or totally correct stuff? And if you want to read more about keeping your SL identity totally seperate from your RL one, I suggest you read Veyron’s post on ‘Taking your avatar into cyberspace‘.

Tags: blogher, privacy, relationships, slex

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