Update: I should not have written a complaining letter to the Linden Gods, but a thank you letter to Nicholaz God. Apparently he has already fixed this issue in one of the versions of the ‘Nicholaz Edition’ of our Second Life client, dated december 2007. So Dear Lindens, nevermind my quick reference guide, just take a look at Mr. Beresford’s code. 

Dear Linden Deities,

When I was still young and foolish, I grabbed to a quote from the Devil’s Advocate, as it concerned ‘god stuff’ and our world being one fucked up place:

‘Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does he do, I swear for his own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, he sets the rules in opposition. It’s the goof of all time. Look but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste. Taste, don’t swallow. Ahaha. And while you’re jumpin’ from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He’s laughin’ his sick, fuckin’ ass off. He’s a tight-ass. He’s a sadist. He’s an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never.‘

Now that I’m 1 year old and wise, I know better than this. I cherish the thought of Linden Gods that are kind, loving and want what’s best for their residents. That is why I refuse to believe, that ‘attachments stuck in ass’ is just a psycho crazy prank you Gods are pulling on us, Second Life Residents.

I understand things there over at the lab must be hectic, and you did not have the time to take a look at this long time pain in the butt - if I may say so - attachment positioning euhm… feature. I know you’re busy being better then WoW, working on communicating more towards your Residents, checking banking licenses, making Second Life better scalable and all the other stuff that Lindens do. Time may lack to make some internal documentation as it comes to attachment positioning.

So I took the liberty to help you Gods a bit, and make a quick reference guide on positioning prim attachments to hand out to you - praised, rest assure of that - Lindens. It is only one page, but because I took the liberty - again - to include some examples, I am sure this will help to make clear where prim attachments do not belong.

Larger size here under CC license on Flickr. Even larger size needed? For instance, for printing it and hanging it above a Linden’s desk? Do ask Vint! ;)

From practical testing in the virtual field, I came to a strange conclusion, which I proudly named ‘Vint’s 1st Attachment Law’. You will be surprised to hear it! It goes as follows:

We may safely assume, that the nature of a prim attachment is such, that it never belongs ‘up the ass’. For the few exceptions on this rule that do exist, we trust the Residents to - if needed - put the prim attachments on that certain place themselves.

Strange, no? Whom could ever have guessed this! I’m sure that this law, together with the fine examples as to where to put hair, shoes, pussy and ears, will make prim attachments positioning stuff a lot clearer to the Linden Gods that are responsible for this part of our world.

There is also Vint’s 2nd Attachment Law, although that one does not matter to you, Gods, that much, so I did not include it on the reference guide: If one wishes to rezz a prim attachment to a certain attachment spot, that specific attachment spot will always be already occupied. I need to fine tune this one a bit more, but need to brush up on my quantum mechanics first.

There was going to be a second reference guide, called ‘a quick reference guide to prim attachments that do belong up the ass’, but all drafs I made for that one, were refused by the VintLabs CEO for being NSFW. I am very sorry I can not make you a clear reference guide for this.

I hope by sharing this knowledge with you Linden Gods, I have taken some of the heavy burden of developing our virtual world of your godly shoulders.

Yours in worship,
Vint Falken

Tags: attachments, linden, second life, SLassholes, the irony, vintlabs

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